Dear Hull City Council,

Parking Meters are brilliant. I love parking meters. I love how they take my money, and give me a little bit of paper in return.

Why does it cost so much to park? Once you’ve bought some land, you’ve bought it. All I want to do is sit my car on a bit of your land for a while. And the bit of paper can’t cost much.

It’s great how, when you have exactly the right change, it will take offense against one of your coins, refusing to take it. And no way will it give change! If it costs £4.80 to park and you put in a fiver, well guess what, that’s a free tip for the good old parking meter! Still I suppose it does have to sit out in the rain… oh hang on, it’s an inanimate object so it doesn’t care!

Anyway, I’ve come up with a solution.

Individual Charging!

I’m a unique individual, with millions of unique genes and cells within me. Don’t you want me to be around? To spend money in your shops?

As of 1 March 2010, I’m going to charge all local authorities for the honour of me parking on their land. £10 a day. You’ll just pay it because it takes too long to query an invoice that only costs £10. Soon I’ll be rolling in money, and when anyone asks “Where does my council tax go?” I can say “Me!”

I’ll be sending my first invoice over to yourselves asap.