Dear Christmas Television Programmers
I am writing from my hospital bed to voice my complaint about the quality of the programmes broadcast on television over the 2009 Christmas period which were extremely poor to say the least, and a complete waste of licence payer’s money.

Apart from the usual Soaps, ‘Dr Who’ and ‘The Royale Family’, the vast majority of the programmes were repeats; indeed several were so old, John Logie Baird could have written them himself. To air them, in my opinion, was an irresponsible act on your part as we were forced to turn off the television (to save electricity in the current recession hit climate), and play parlour games.

All went well (apart from having to explain ‘Basic Instinct’ to my ninety year old grandmother), until my younger brother picked the charade card for ‘East Enders’. He immediately enacted the murder scene from the Christmas episode using the bust of ‘Elvis’ that my mother bought during her Silver Wedding trip to Graceland in 2001.

Luckily the bust was made of cheap china, breaking easily, and I was only unconscious for a couple of hours. Suffice to say, my mother was furious, my brother castigated from the family, I only have to stay in hospital overnight for observation and the whodunit element was a non-brainer!

It appears also, that I was not the only victim of this hazardous game. Two women in beds adjacent to mine have both got broken limbs from enacting the fight scene between Count Dooku and Yoda in ‘Star Wars – Attack of the Clones’ and I am certain that, when my head stops spinning, if I walked around other wards, I would find many others with similar injuries.

In light of this, and with the recent directives from the Department of Health & Safety regarding the playing of games, I feel it is your public duty during the holiday period to provide a schedule of original and entertaining programmes for the whole family to watch therefore ensuring that this dangerous practice of playing parlour games is eradicated.

Yours faithfully

Janette Fisher

P.S. You may be wondering how I am writing to you from my hospital bed – I will just use four words – ‘computer in a bag’!