Dear Mister Yakimoto,

I am writing directly to you as president of the corporation that designed and built my car to make sure this issue gets dealt with promptly. My Jason says I am lucky to be alive and I need to tell you about it so you can act now to prevent major loss of life.

Let me explain. A week last Tuesday I drove home from the hair salon after having my highlights touched up and, as I went to get out of the car, the seatbelt flicked my left earring causing it to fall off and into the foot well right down under the pedals. It is one of my favourite pairs (silver with bright red ceramic danglies) and as I crawled under the dashboard to recover it I managed to catch my other earring on the ignition key fob.

Not wanting to break the attached earring I tried to get it out of my ear but only succeeded in restarting the car. Luckily the vibration shook the missing earring into view but as I went to grab it at a strange angle my shoulder went into spasm. It’s happened before but you don’t need to know the naughty details about that. Anyway, I knew I had to quickly get myself into a more comfortable position to relieve the absolute agony. It is agony.

The only thing I could do (with my ear still attached to the steering column) was twist my body around upside down with my legs over the seat back. That was when my skirt got caught on the headrest. It’s a superb copy of an Alexander McQueen printed silk number that I’d picked up in the market and I could not risk tearing it. So I undid it and tried to wriggle out of it even though my legs and bum were by now above window height.

Unfortunately at this point my right Jimmy Choo knock-off (but you would never ever know it) fell down into that nasty awkward gap between the front seats and the only way I could reach it was by releasing the handbrake. I’m not stupid and knew I was parked on level ground so the handbrake didn’t matter. Well it wouldn’t have if my movement hadn’t also knocked the car into gear.

We weren’t going very fast at all really. So, with my wits about me, I reached up, adjusted the rear view mirror and tried to use it to steer the car whilst still being upside down with my head in the foot well.

Luckily for you Mister Yakimoto the impacts were not very serious and all the other drivers I hit were really understanding (apart from the bus driver who Jason has promised to sort out) and I am now out of hospital and so able to write this letter.

In short you need to urgently redesign your seatbelt, foot well lighting, ignition key location, headrest, front seat gap, handbrake, gear stick, rear view mirror and steering. Otherwise somebody is going to get seriously hurt.

Yours faithfully