Dear cat,

I am writing to lodge a formal complaint regarding your conduct in the household. Your destructive behaviour has perplexed and frustrated me over the years to the point where I simply have no other option. Please observe the behaviours below and correct them to the best of your ability.

The first matter I wish to address is your frequent urination inside the building. This is a disgusting habit and is not socially acceptable. You would not enjoy being peed on yourself and I can assure you that curtains, furniture, kitchen units, carpets and people (as was the case last week) feel the same. Please refrain from doing this. I would like to remind you that there is a cat flap in kitchen door for the purpose and that, should you for any reason feel the need to stay indoors, there is also a litter tray present for your convenience.

The second matter, which is equally if not more important, is the carrying of small animals in to the house. It is cruel and unnecessary, and it needs to stop. We have numerous tins of Fancy Feast to satisfy your hunger and multiple toys and scratching posts for your entertainment. And on that vein, please stop scratching everything.

The third matter at hand is the continual breaching of boundaries inside the house. In case our agreement at the time of your adoption has slipped your mind, I have written you a list of places we agreed were off limits to you. I will stick it to the top shelf in the kitchen next to the expensive china vases, where I know you will see it.

Places which are off limits include:

• On the top shelf in the kitchen, next to the expensive china vases
• Inside the fridge
• Up the chimney, particularly when there is a fire below it
• On the chopping board
• On the computer keyboard
• On top of the flat screen TV
• On the chess board, particularly while a game being played
• Directly behind my feet, especially while I am holding a sharp knife

If you would be so kind as to keep away from all of the locations above, I would be extraordinarily grateful. I’ll add that if I find urine, hair, scratch marks or broken shards of china in any of these places I will know who to blame. If I have any more angry replies to half-finished emails I haven’t sent, I will also know who to blame.

Let me reiterate that I wish you no harm and that it is your erratic and destructive behaviour that has led me to these measures. I am quite certain we can quickly and effectively resolve the matter and that treats and snuggle time will have resumed by 11pm tonight.

Yours Sincerely,