Dear cat,
I am writing to lodge a formal complaint regarding your conduct in the household. Your destructive behaviour has perplexed and frustrated me over the years to the point where I simply have no other option. Please observe the behaviours below and correct them to the best of your ability.
The first matter I wish to address is your frequent urination inside the building. This is a disgusting habit and is not socially acceptable. You would not enjoy being peed on yourself and I can assure you that curtains, furniture, kitchen units, carpets and people (as was the case last week) feel the same. Please refrain from doing this. I would like to remind you that there is a cat flap in kitchen door for the purpose and that, should you for any reason feel the need to stay indoors, there is also a litter tray present for your convenience.
The second matter, which is equally if not more important, is the carrying of small animals in to the house. It is cruel and unnecessary, and it needs to stop. We have numerous tins of Fancy Feast to satisfy your hunger and multiple toys and scratching posts for your entertainment. And on that vein, please stop scratching everything.
The third matter at hand is the continual breaching of boundaries inside the house. In case our agreement at the time of your adoption has slipped your mind, I have written you a list of places we agreed were off limits to you. I will stick it to the top shelf in the kitchen next to the expensive china vases, where I know you will see it.
Places which are off limits include:
• On the top shelf in the kitchen, next to the expensive china vases
• Inside the fridge
• Up the chimney, particularly when there is a fire below it
• On the chopping board
• On the computer keyboard
• On top of the flat screen TV
• On the chess board, particularly while a game being played
• Directly behind my feet, especially while I am holding a sharp knife
If you would be so kind as to keep away from all of the locations above, I would be extraordinarily grateful. I’ll add that if I find urine, hair, scratch marks or broken shards of china in any of these places I will know who to blame. If I have any more angry replies to half-finished emails I haven’t sent, I will also know who to blame.
Let me reiterate that I wish you no harm and that it is your erratic and destructive behaviour that has led me to these measures. I am quite certain we can quickly and effectively resolve the matter and that treats and snuggle time will have resumed by 11pm tonight.
Yours Sincerely,
Mummy
I think your cat and mine are one and the same, so you may want to add double dealing to the list. this was brilliant I havent laughed so hard in ages.
thank you.
and good luck, let me know if it works I may try writing one to my satanic pets.
thanks for the comment 🙂 the trouble is we have 8 of them and they’re everywhere! i don’t think they’re paying much attention yet but you never know!
Absolutly Fantastic piece of writing.. really made me giggle 🙂 x
lol… awwwww, well I love your cat, even if she annoys you lol
Great letter
Chris xoxox
Awww Well written, funny and true. 🙂
Such a great post!! I need a camera that will give me a higher ISO. Mine only goes to 1600. Thanks for sharnig your tips. I SO need to try the bracing on the car thing. Great idea.
I’m beginning to think the labs have made clones…I could swear that was my cat you’ve written to.
Very sophisticated labs – can even change the colour of the little beasts! 😉
I’m currently tucked up in bed with the flu (and my cat Smokey!) and this really cheered me up.
This is definitely my sort of humour.
Lol. Hilarious. The other day my cat jumped on my mum’s head when she was on the toilet. I think they heard her scream all the way to Chester.
Great letter XD
thanks for the comment 🙂 the trouble is we have 8 of them and they’re everywhere! i don’t think they’re paying much attention yet but you never know!
Dear Mummy
I hereby acknowledge your letter of complaint and will address each of your points in turn.
Whilst I recognise that my idea of a good time is somewhat different to yours, I am surprised that you think me destructive. In the last edition of Home and Garden on the coffee table, they showed some curtains similar to ours stocked in Selfridges at over £2000. It is not my fault if you fail to appreciate my love of avant garde home furnishings. You should be grateful that I shredded ours for nothing and you can be the envy of all the neighbours.
1. The litter tray (random use of). As I so often hear you call across to Daddy…”toilets don’t clean themselves”. The same goes for litter trays! Whilst highly superior in intellect to you and Daddy, I have yet to evolve and develop opposable thumbs and cannot clean it myself. I would ask that you do so twice a day, use the softest litter (not the cheap stuff as it chaffs so), and put it in a location which isn’t in full view of the house. Cats like to poo in private. Once this is rectified I will refrain from using the rest of the lounge. However, if the dog continues it’s reign of terror I will continue to rain in error on his bed.
2. Sacrificial offerings – You always do the cooking, I thought I should return the favour.
3. Cat free zones – I do not know what you mean. At no point have I successfully managed to reach the china shelf. I have tried to scramble up there in vain; foiled by vases which always fall on me before I get there. As for the rest of the locations, it wasn’t me it was the dog!
Can I add as a final point that you really ought to use the spell checker on your emails, and attend a creative writing course. I proof read and corrected several for free but I will charge for it in the future.
Of note was your email to the headmaster regarding Son. With a few additional adjectives and the odd flourish I believe I improved it no end. In no way did I intend to get Son suspended.
I hope that this answers your letter of complaint to your satisfaction?
Snuggle time will be resumed after I have sulked around the house for 24 hours.
Yours affectionately (but slightly patronisingly)
Pussy wussy kins the 3rd
P.s my name is Trevor, not sure why you don’t use it!?
Dear Trevor,
It is with trepidation that I used your name in this letter, given how rarely you respond to it. However, there was a reason I did not use your name in my initial complaint. As you may or may not have noticed, there are other ca…ts in the house and I had no way of knowing which one of you was causing the trouble. By replying to my letter and demanding to be addressed by name, you have now identified yourself as the culprit. You may now spend your aforementioned 24 hours sulking before snuggle time.
Much love,
Mummy.