Fed up with reading status updates such as “2am…drnk…toilet wnt flush…any ideas??” (a genuine status update), I decided to close my Facebook account on grounds of pure embarrassment at being part of something so inherently vile.

As I clicked to cancel my account, I wretched as I was asked to choose from a number of options as to why I was leaving – WHAT!? So now I can’t just leave, I have to write an 8000 word dissertation based on my stupid decision to leave such a fantastic social networking site? Among the options, I note, are the following:

I don’t find Facebook useful.
I get too many emails, invitations, and requests from Facebook.
I spend too much time using Facebook.
I have a privacy concern.
I don’t feel safe on Facebook.

All of the above, and indeed more, apply to me. What’s more, you seem to have thought it would be witty to crudely post a number of pictures of my friends alongside these options, with captions such as “Chris will miss you”, “Jade will miss you”, “Barry will miss you”. Well, Facebook, I certainly won’t be missing you.

Another message you have displayed on-screen that made me spray the keyboard with vomit is the following:

Are you sure you want to deactivate your account?
Your 146 friends will no longer be able to keep in touch with you.

Oh yes…because in real life I have 146 friends who I regularly keep in touch with – how could I forget? Don’t make laugh Facebook – I’m leaving, and your childish attempts to guilt-trip me into staying aren’t going to work.