Dear Sir or Madam,

As a loyal client of the Jobcentre (I have used the Job Seekers Allowance service for six years) I have to express my feelings regarding the rude attitude of some of your staff at Newcastle City Jobcentre.

Although some are friendly and amiable, others display a barely concealed contempt and loathing. (I don’t mind contempt and loathing, as long as it’s concealed.) As if it isn’t degrading enough getting up at lunchtime to sign on – I am then interrogated by various advisors about my efforts in attaining employment. This is a complaint in itself, it would be far better if I could develop a relationship with a particular advisor, to be able to charm them of my intent, and if necessary to pity me for my failure – No, I’m passed around like an orgy – And each new advisor I receive week by week, again I have to begin anew my performance.

This is my main grievance. On 06/10/10 I dutifully arrived for my appointment with “Cyril” who looked me up and down like I was an inmate in the Treblinka Concentration camp, like I was the sweaty juice of a homeless gentleman’s ball bags. Remember the little girl in the red coat in Shindler’s List? Now I know how she felt.

I must submit that it is my dream of being a crooner, a singer like Elvis and Costello. To prove my commitment I have changed my surname by deed-poll to Duval and where a lovely, glittery jacket. (You never know who you might meet in the queue in Greggs.)

In distress I sat down to await my fortnightly ordeal. “Is there any fear of work?” I asked. He listed off whatever names sprang to mind, and I made haste to mention my intention of becoming a huge star in America.

“Mr Duval” comes the reply. “If you don’t get in the real world, apply for jobs you see advertised daily… I’m afraid I’m going to have to recommend we stop your benefits.”

Intimidation! Bullying and oppression! If you ran a hotel in this manner it would be called the Hotel S&M. (That means it would only be frequented by judges and priests) It is precisly this kind of dismiisive attitude which puts your staff in danger of violence. They don’t try to find you work, rather they look for reasons to stop your benefits.

To conclude I will put this; This treatment has traumatised me. My self-esteem is smaller than a pygmy whom is considered little by other pygmies. In view of the circumstances I have no option but to recommend my doctor put me on the sick.

Yours truly,

Philip Duval (In lights)