Dear God,
First of all, may I start by thanking your son for the whole crucifixion thing, it was awfully good of him to pay for thousands of years worth of sins, the interest on those sins must have been horrific, even with typical fixed APR rate of 1.2% like my bank. I would also like to thank you for coining the phrase ‘The Holy Trinity’, as it helped me convince two naïve Christian women to participate in a threesome with me, under the false illusion that it was all kosher with the big man.

I do have a couple of bones to pick with you though. After reading through the bible, the phrase ‘Love Thy Neighbour’ stuck a chord with me. I tried to pursue it, but I live on a farm, so the only neighbours I have are farm creatures. It was surprisingly difficult to make love to a chicken, and I tried a few different positions, but I was clutching at straws, and it seemed that my aim to ‘ love to thy neighbour’ was proving impossible. And then the police got involved, exacerbating the situation into one I struggled to handle.

Also, Noah’s Ark, really? Where did you hide all the water afterwards, as some African countries could really use it right about now. I think drowning the whole human race was probably a bit rash as well, and not really the best solution to minor political scuffles. I don’t want to tell you how to do your job, and you did cheer up a bit in the New Testament, which I guess goes to show how becoming a daddy can change your outlook on life but perhaps sitting down and talking with people is more a docile approach than committing genocide I would also like to suggest a solution to the growing unrest in the western world, which is mainly caused by differences in religious beliefs. Perhaps you could show your face around the place, create a bit of hype. Not necessarily an appearance in the sky, but maybe you could pop up on a few low key talk shows like Jeremy Kyle with Jesus. I can already see a headline, ‘My daddy always overshadows me, even when I saved the human race, he still made a joke about me wearing socks with sandals.’

With the deepest respect,
James Finnerly