This was a letter I sent to McVitties a few years back after finding a staple in one of my mini cheddars, I know writing this will probably bring back the nightmares but I’m trying to be brave 🙁

Dear Sir/Madam,

I have always been very fond of the McVities range of high quality and delicious products. Just a few days ago I had decided to consume a packet of your very delicious Pepperami Mini Cheddars – with extra flavour, which were purchased from Tesco superstore for a approximately 69p and as I was very blissfully devouring my tasty circular snack to the point of highest tranquillity, to my horror and utter disbelief I discovered that not only was one of my small circular bundles of happiness discoloured, but had a foreign body embedded within it’s wholesome tasty, glistening presence. After recovering from a mild case of shock it took some time to convince myself not to put this scrumptious treat in my mouth, it was through fear of choking to death that I decided not to put my life in the hands of that of a Pepperami coated biscuit.

It was through this life shattering dissatisfaction not to be able to finish the remaining contents of such an irresistible treat, through apprehension of a similar event possibly occurring and it is because of this ‘fear’ and strange ‘unwillingness’ to devour the remaining product that I now feel that my life has no substance, my life’s purpose has been questioned, my main drive to succeed in this life has been compromised through this feeling of emptiness, I feel I may never enjoy any other form of mouth watering, circular, flavour enhanced biscuit again until the day I die. I know the old saying “it’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all” should hold a true meaning to me now, but with this saying in mind I am still struggling to hold onto my very existence, my flame has been extinguished, the light at the end of the tunnel has darkened and the force is unlikely to get any stronger. Before this eternally mental scarring incident – I felt a bit like a Jedi, quick thinking, always on the move, by my side was my friend Bob, as Chewbakker and in my hand was my Mini Cheddars as my light lightsaber.

It is not with anger that I write to inform you of this occurrence, but assurance, I feel a few comforting words from you at my place of worship, that big cheddar biscuit in the sky, or Leicestershire for postal purposes, I feel you may have within you the words in which to re-light my flame, turn back on that light at the end of the tunnel and restore the force within me and my lightsaber and once again I may feel the strength to strike down the enemies that oppose me in lightning speed with my trusty Cheddars by my side. Enclosed is the biscuit that has caused so much heart ache along with the remaining contents of the packet – I have decided to take a photo of the biscuit in question I do not hold it this as evidence but as a morality booster, whenever I’m down I can take a look at the photo and wonder what if, what if I had eaten that tasty snack would it of been worth it?, would I have survived? I guess now we will never know. I pray each night that I gain the strength to keep going if I can get through this alive, imagine what else I can accomplish.

I thank you for taking the time to read through this letter of dismay and I hope to hear from you very shortly, although the people at my mental health clinic are very nice, they, for some reason do not come to embrace the severity of this incident – I hope with this in mind you will reply hastily, surviving without Mini Cheddars is almost like surviving without air, you get weak, turn blue and die.

My Fondest Regards