Response to complaint to cat
I hereby acknowledge your letter of complaint and will address each of your points in turn.
Whilst I recognise that my idea of a good time is somewhat different to yours, I am surprised that you think me destructive. In the last edition of Home and Garden on the coffee table, they showed some curtains similar to ours stocked in Selfridges at over £2000. It is not my fault if you fail to appreciate my love of avant garde home furnishings. You should be grateful that I shredded ours for nothing and you can be the envy of all the neighbours.
1. The litter tray (random use of). As I so often hear you call across to Daddy…”toilets don’t clean themselves”. The same goes for litter trays! Whilst highly superior in intellect to you and Daddy, I have yet to evolve and develop opposable thumbs and cannot clean it myself. I would ask that you do so twice a day, use the softest litter (not the cheap stuff as it chaffs so), and put it in a location which isn’t in full view of the house. Cats like to poo in private. Once this is rectified I will refrain from using the rest of the lounge. However, if the dog continues it’s reign of terror I will continue to rain in error on his bed.
2. Sacrificial offerings – You always do the cooking, I thought I should return the favour.
3. Cat free zones – I do not know what you mean. At no point have I successfully managed to reach the china shelf. I have tried to scramble up there in vain; foiled by vases which always fall on me before I get there. As for the rest of the locations, it wasn’t me it was the dog!
Can I add as a final point that you really ought to use the spell checker on your emails, and attend a creative writing course. I proof read and corrected several for free but I will charge for it in the future.
Of note was your email to the headmaster regarding Son. With a few additional adjectives and the odd flourish I believe I improved it no end. In no way did I intend to get Son suspended.
I hope that this answers your letter of complaint to your satisfaction?
Snuggle time will be resumed after I have sulked around the house for 24 hours.
Yours affectionately (but slightly patronisingly)
Pussy wussy kins the 3rd
P.s my name is Trevor, not sure why you don’t use it!?