Dear Council Environment Department,

December again and out come the Christmas light displays on local houses, bigger, bolder and more brash than last year. Isn’t it about time someone from the council took these households in hand and reminded them that using enough electricity to power a NASA space station for a year is Not Environmentally Friendly?
For the rest of the year you plead with us to fill in our Green Pledge on your website, to recycle and compost and bike to work. You even sent us a couple of those environmentally friendly light bulbs. Free! So why do you allow people to deck out their homes like florescent wedding cakes to the extent that I imagine our small street can be seen from space like some kind of flashing Great Wall of South London?

Take my neighbour, for example. His Christmas lights flash all day and all night with barely a brick left uncovered. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve woken up in a cold sweat with my hands in the air shouting ‘you’ve got me, officer, I’ll come along quietly!’ only to find that the blue, blinking light was in fact Frosty the Snowman’s flashing eyes.

Another disturbing feature of this particular display is the life-size Father Christmas figure he has climbing up the outside of his house. Look, we live in South London. When a man dressed in dark clothing is sighted climbing up someone’s house with a large sack under his arm it’s usually cause for alarm. Remember last year when Mrs. Smith at number 45 phoned the police to report a very persistent burglar who kept trying to get in night after night? You know this frightens the life out of her and yet year after year there he is on the roof with his evil flashing eyes and black bin bag flapping in the wind. You tell me that sometimes these displays are for charity and the kiddies like it but the kiddies can set fire to the school bins again if they want a nice, shiny display.

Here I am at home, heating on low, cheerfully wrapped in a blanket in the semi darkness of that environmentally-friendly bulb chomping on bendy carrots (no food waste here, no siree) hands so cold I can barely write this letter while the national grid is being stretched to breaking point. I swear it takes twenty minutes to boil my kettle during the month of December.

So please, dear council, consider banning these crazy light displays next year.

Yours, slightly dazed through lack of sleep.