Hello Madam/gentelman/ alien from planet Zog,

I am writing to say, no i would not like to be sneezed on anymore. Because it seems that everywhere i go, someone or some people are getting ready to spurt their mucus all over my face. It isn’t nice, especially when it goes in my mouth, it tastes mostly of Mould and jam on toast or moldy jam on toast as some would say. You must understand that i am very frustrated, especially when i attack the snot carrier from all angles and the police take me to ‘jail’ and proclaim that, ‘i can’t ‘assault’ citizens of London’. Well, they assaulted and upset me when their jammy snot attacked me!! this is the 90th time this year so far and i am getting very frustrated and i am really tempted to cut everyone’s noses off if this continues. I am a human. I have eyes and ears and a mouth and (ugh) nose, so why am i treated like a piece of walking tissue paper?! Once i was wearing a white t-shirt and trousers one Monday morning, and by evening it was all different shades of green!!

I am offended and snotty about this, and i hope it will be resolved. Hand out free tissues, free leaflets and whatever else it takes to stop this evil crime!!! I have been to the dentist 10 times this week, and i have flossed and brushed and used mouthwash but i still can’t budge the mucus that is prying on my teeth!!!

i hope you have taken into account my troubles and that you can resolve them quickly and efficiently. I am a good citizen, i don’t smoke, or drive ( a little), or litter. I recycle and reuse everything i can. I’ve joined neighborhood watch. I care about global warming and do everything in my power to try and prevent it, Most people have even commented about how green i am, but then they hand me a tissue….i still don’t get why though…

I hope you act swiftly and surely,my friend because i am allergic to jam, and this is not good.

Your friend

p.s: although on Halloween it makes a good alien costume…