To the parents of my computer,

Why must your child, the light of your life, the apple of your eye, mock me so? Why is it that every time I open the one important window of the evening, on no doubt an incredibly obscure website, he decides to freeze and then die? I can almost hear him laughing at me; a dry, malicious cackle from the whirring technicalities located somewhere inside his Promethean body.

I can only assume you are to blame for this behaviour. Parent computers take far too little responsibility in this day and age for their offspring. You should have taught him the golden rules! Turning on and not taking half an hour to load, turning off without installing 26 updates which take roughly a quarter of a century when I’m tired and waiting to go to bed and most importantly, respecting his elders and doing as he is told when instructed! You see, your son was born just two years ago, whereas I am now 18, and I deserve a little more respect than he gives me!

I keep his desktop well stocked with exciting icons, I use him regularly and you should feel the tenderness of my click! It’d make you weep, I swear to you! However, I must confess… I know you are his parents and it isn’t my place to implement punishments, but on occasion, I have been driven to switch him off at the socket without telling him to turn off! I can only apologise for my rash behaviour, and I can assure you that it was not done without some deliberation. I’m sure you can sympathise with me when I speak of an unruly youngster being deliberately obstinate and tenacious! Yet, I must ask you to consider my request: perhaps you could send your son an update to keep him running smoothly?

Please do respond ASAP, as I can already feel everything lagging once again. Will he ever learn?

Yours faithfully,

Kayleigh Tanner