I’m sure you now know who I am, and I’m sure you know why I’m writing this angry letter of complaint. I’ve tried to be another jolly customer, but there’s no point in lying to myself – or to you, for that matter.

I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting (well, I’m sure you get my point) and I still haven’t received my two bookends. I’m only asking for the two bookends that I fairly paid for; it’s not like I’m asking for two huge, rare diamonds from the Planet Neptune.

My patience has finally dried up, like the Atacama Desert, and, yes, you guessed it: I WANT MY HARD-EARNED MONEY BACK! And don’t pretend I don’t exist; giving me the silent treatment is not going to work on this chap.

At first, I was excited – perhaps too much – but your incompetence incinerated all the excitement that happily existed within me. Your refusal to apologise or even acknowledge your wrongdoing just infuriates me even more. I’m not one to hold a grudge, but I’m also not one to forget being a victim of a crime (okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit). I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about.

If I don’t get my refund in the next few days, I will tell everybody I know to never buy any of your (rather dull) products – trust me, bad publicity can spread faster than margarine on a hot piece of toast.

I tried being the nice guy, but, thanks to you, I’ve been hurt – obviously not physically. You have denied my dear books two friendly companions. I hope no customer will be unlucky enough to hand their money over to this rude, dysfunctional, uncaring, fiendish company, and I hope I’ll never have to encounter such a horrible bunch of money-hungry people ever again! Oh, I almost forgot to tell you: I hope you have an atrocious, difficult, uncomfortable, horrible day.

From a most dissatisfied customer

Tawfeeq Elahi Samad