Dear Husband
For a thousand nights, since the day we wed, I’ve lain exhausted in our bed while you grunted, groaned and snorted . My plans for early nights are thwarted. Your snoring shakes our wooden bed and fills the airspace overhead; it ricochets from wall to wall, from bedtime to the cockerel’s call. Open mouthed, you croak and glutter, chortle, snigger, belch and splutter, until I have to leave my bed and curl up on the chair instead. I’ve tried a poke, I’ve tried a pinch, I’ve pushed you over inch by inch, I’ve stuffed my ear with a cotton ball but nothing seems to work at all.
I’ve told my friends and they agree that this is so unfair to me. Everyday you rise and shine, looking great and feeling fine and as I crave an extra hour, I hear you singing in the shower. Relaxed, refreshed, you’re on your way, ready for your working day. When I drag myself from bed, I feel like death, my eyes are red and layers of makeup cannot hide a face that’s like a vampire bride. I zombie walk to catch my train and fall asleep in work again. I’m so exhausted I could weep, you’re killing me through lack of sleep,
I read about an operation that could help this situation, but you just laughed and couldn’t see the hell your snoring means to me. I cannot take it any more, the next time that I hear you snore I know exactly what to do and it involves some superglue.
One open mouth – one act of violence – then blissful, heavenly, DEADLY silence.
From
Your exhausted wife
