Dear Nicky Clarke Leave In Conditioning Spritz

You said on the label that you will banish frizz. You actually said those words. This range will help to banish frizz, you said. Please remember that I am only a person who has hair but knows little about it, whereas you are the people who claim to be very knowledgeable about it. So I put my blind and honest trust in you. Unfortunately, this turned out to be the equivalent of a blind and honest man chasing a butterfly near a cliff edge. By which I mean: Dangerous.

For the entirety of my life which I have had hair on my head, I have been a sufferer of frizz. I detest the Frizz, just as criminals detest the Fuzz. It makes my hair look blurry and unfinished. It makes me look like a strange kind of species in a wildlife documentary, all looming and odd and unwashed. Sometimes my hair is so frizzy it actually looks distressed, it looks in pain.

So when I saw you somewhere on discount, I felt both happy and delighted. This is because, one, I always love discounted items, even if it is only cotton buds or whatever, and two, because you promised to HELP TO REDUCE THE FRIZZ.

Like a fool, I purchased you. Well, no, I am not really a fool, it is you who is the fool. I just say “like a fool” to grab the reader’s attention; it is savvy, it is smart. I carried you about all proudly in the plastic bag. When I took you home I made such a fuss about you it was as if I was Madonna and you were an orphan she found in Africa.

The next day, I got up bright and early to use you. And I followed your instructions implicitly, just in case you try to fob me off with the “You must not have been using our instructions implicitly” line. Let it be known: I did. You said to spritz through gently towel-dried hair and comb with a widely-toothed comb.

Well I did spritz generously. I was more generous than the whole of Britain during Children in Need. If every squirt had been a thousand pounds, say, Pudsey would have been ecstatic. He would have wet himself.

Was my hair gently-towel dried? It was, as gently as you could imagine Mother Theresa giving the baby Jesus a cuddle. I then combed it with a wide-toothed comb. Please note: I did not brush it with a wide-toothed comb, I did not comb it with a wide-toothed brush.

All in all, I followed your instructions perfectly. The results were that when my hair was dried, it looked all greasy. It made me look like the sort of person who might sell pirate DVDs at car boot sales.

And the frizz. The frizz, as you may have guessed by now, was still there. In. Abundance. I think you must have just provided it with spawning ground because it looked to have multiplied or something. On the one day that I had you in my hair, people in the street would tap on my shoulder and say “You’ve got something in your hair.” Then they’d peer and say, “Oh. It’s your hair.”

So Nicky Clarke Endless Waves Leave In Conditioning Spritz, this is why I am complaining and this is why I think I should have my money back. You have been the biggest disappointment in my young life since discovering that Bernard’s Watch wasn’t real (I was seven).

Yours sincerely

Ms Frizz