Dear Ellie

How are you dear? It seems like such a long time since I have seen you! Well, not to speak to anyway as you appear to only be home to sleep or to get ready to go back out again, and it is for this reason that I am putting pen to paper, in the hope of ironing out a few issues that I have.

Whilst I do understand that, at 17 years old, you are indeed an adult and do not need to be told what to do by some washed-up-nag-who-never-had-a-life, I am still legally responsible for you and do therefore, require a brief insight into your movements, if only so that I can anticipate your catering requirements. On the subject of which, with your health and wellbeing always in mind, I take care to ensure that the fridge is stocked with good healthy basics such as bread, milk, cheese, and fresh fruit and vegetables, and am therefore puzzled at your regular pained exclamations that there is “nothing to eat”. On occasions that I do visit the delicatessen and buy best smoked salmon and ham off the bone, would you please note that this is intended for human consumption only. Should your little-cat-baby really be more deserving than I, then please either refrain from allowing her to gorge herself stupid, or be prepared to check the staircase and clean up after her to spare me having to pick lumps of warm cat vomit out from between my toes whilst hurrying to get to work.

With regards to hurrying, if you have ordered me to collect you from some social event at a specific time, but decide to leave early, please bear in mind that I cannot magically arrive within 90 seconds of receiving your text. While I think of it, I understand the importance of looking good when going out, but am at pains to understand how, after you have spent over an hour in the bath, your clothes could become dirty simply by the act of trying them on and taking them off again – thus being tossed into the laundry basket to be freshly washed and ironed in preparation for further rejection. And please don’t think me selfish, but should you find an item of makeup or jewelry in my bedroom, consider the possibility that it may actually be mine, and not just a present that I had forgotten to give you.

Careful consideration of the above grievances, will surely provide me with far less opportunities to “ruin your life” as I’m apparently prone to doing.

Love you