16th May 2008

Department of Barking Dogs
Environmental Health
Council Offices
Foster Avenue

Your Ref: PJG/PI/000017329

My ref: Woof/Woof

Dear Mr Gibson

Many thanks for your letter regarding the complaint against my dog. I must say it came as no shock to me to hear that my animal barks, it fact it was one of the features I insisted on at purchase. I am somewhat surprised that my neighbours felt uneasy in coming to me with the problem in the first place – as I am now proud to say it has been several years since I stopped worshipping the devil and holding naked moonlight panda sacrifices on the street. I would be interested to hear from yourself, or indeed the complainant, on what action you think I should take over “the dog that barks”. In your experience have you ever come across such a beast? And if so what action have previous owners taken? Maybe you would suggest singing lessons, voice box removal or that I keep her in a dungeon? Maybe with the co-operation of the council we could set up a no-walk zone around the front of my property to stop her barking at passers by? Or maybe we could provide my wonderful neighbours with earplugs or Ipods to drown out the noise?

I will be interested to hear your response (if I can hear above the monstrous noise of barking). Meanwhile I will have a chat with the dog to see what the problem is, maybe take her on Jeremy Kyle so she can talk about her bad childhood, drink/drug problem etc and get to the root of the problem.

Well sorry for taking up too much of your time, I’m sure you’ve got many other serious cases to investigate – cows that moo, birds that sing and sheep that go “baaaa baaaa”. Good luck in your ongoing war against noise mate, hope you can sleep at night (unlike my neighbours ha ha). I am so glad I have not paid council tax for four years as i would be distraught to think my hard earned wages was funding pointless administration tasks like the one you have chosen to undertake.

All the best chief

Jamie & Billie O’Dowd